


playing by the rules

by vanasha



Category: Dead by Daylight (Video Game)
Genre: (in a way), Canon-Typical Violence, Dissociation, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/F, Forced Intimacy, Forced Relationship, Grinding, Lesbian Sex, Mentions of gore and blood, Mind Break, Non-Consensual Body Modification, One-Sided Attraction, Panic Attacks, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Touch-Starved, Vaginal Fingering, amanda is gay you guys. wake up, thigh riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:20:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28657110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanasha/pseuds/vanasha
Summary: Her head was still slightly tilted. The hair of her mask felt coarse and wrong on your skin when she leaned in close, closer than she had to, as if wanting to let you in on a secret.“Are you gonna behave?” a raspy voice whispered in your ear, and you didn’t care if it sounded like this because of the mask or because she hadn’t used it in a while, it made the blood in your veins freeze up.Or, the Pig decides she wants to play a new game.
Relationships: Amanda Young/Reader, slight Yui Kimura/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	playing by the rules

**Author's Note:**

> Don't tell anybody that I watched the second Saw movie and Amanda's scenes in the third movie for this, it's embarrassing enough as it is, okay.

With your head resting on the sleeping bag put over the log behind you, you and the others stare into the bonfire. Conversation had settled down when some of the others were sent away and you knew that they were fighting for their lives in a trial. A couple of minutes ago Claudette and Nea had left as well, joining the others that were either spread around the area of the camp or gone somewhere into the fog.

You all knew about the dangers of wandering too far, of times where you accidently into territory you weren’t meant to be. Which is why you liked to stay closer to the camp. But you were all adults, able to make decisions on your own. And it’s not like you were short on (near) death experiences. You just preferred to keep them to a minimum.

The crowd thinned out more and more until there was a comfortable silence, that allowed you to at least try and doze off.

“What’s up?” You barely hide a flinch. Yui’s voice pulls you out of your open-eyed nap, even though she tries to keep her voice down. With wide eyes you look around, finding the camp empty, except for the both of you. You must have been away for a while without even noticing. The only kind of sleep you were able to get here and it didn’t even leave you particularly rested.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Yui says and smiles in an apologetic way.

Nevertheless, you gulp. Yui is sweet, but you had felt low key relieved when the two of you hadn’t been alone together in a while. It’s not like you had been avoiding her but– yeah no, you _had_.

And now it seemed that came back to bite you since she had either asked the others for a moment of privacy with you or that they thought they were doing you both a favour, giving you time to talk things out. You weren’t sure you really appreciated it.

“I meant, what is up with you? You’ve been weird lately,” she goes on. “Kinda tense.”

The corner of her mouth twitches when you snort, both of you aware that no one here in this place was ever completely relaxed. You appreciate the way she was only making eye-contact with you now and then, never staring you down or making you feel cornered. She had been toying with her headband before you had dozed off. Now she was going through a first aid kid, carefully and as she wasn’t only sorting the medical supplies but also her thoughts.

Yui’s as alert as they come but you hope with her mind on something else it would make lying a lot easier.

“'m just thinking about some stuff,” you reply, asking yourself why you’re even bothering to try and talk your way out of it because Yui’s hands still and she frowns. 

“Right,” she says. “Some stuff…” Her voice sounds a bit tighter than before. Like she’s bothered by you not being honest with her but not wanting to push at the same time.

Biting your lip, you put your hands back into your sweater pockets, as if hiding them would make hiding yourself from her possible.

Funny, how in the past you had wanted nothing but to be noticed by her. And now that that came true you wanted nothing more but to take it back.

It’s silent, except for a couple of cracks from the bonfire and a snapping sound from the woods surrounding you. You remember how scared you’ve been of these noises, back when you first arrived at this place. Worried that any second there’d be a killer up on you. Not yet knowing about the rules of this nightmare.

It’s weird how the same sounds helped you to relax now, or at least as relaxed as you could possibly be, here and with Yui. How seeing the bonfire light shining through the fog after a trial makes you feel at ease. How things you didn’t question anymore, how the fire was always lit, how none of you need to sleep or eat… made sense, in a way.

This space was off-limits to anyone but people from your group. It’s not like the tension of a trial dropped off you as soon as you reached your safe heaven or that you were as chill as humanly possible here, but–

It was like being allowed a short break, a moment to take a breath. There weren't many of those.

“This about the Pig?” You’re not able to hide your flinch this time. Shit. “Anything weird happen to you again, lately? With her, I mean?”

Whatever ease you felt was gone before she even finished her sentence. Shitshitshit.

“Why?” you ask, hating how small your voice sounded even to your own ears. You don’t want to talk about this. Not with anyone and certainly not with her. You know that you should, but you can’t get yourself to actually do it. Instead, you hide your face a bit more in the collar of your sweater. You couldn’t be more obvious if you tried, you know and you hate that but you’ve never been a great actress.

“Because she’s acting _fucking_ weird.” She wasn't wrong. She probably didn't even know how not wrong she was and while you wanted nothing but to end this conversation before it started it was Yui doing the talking. And whenever you hear Yui speak, neverminding the topic, you’re reminded once more why you’re still kind of into her. She’s honest in a way you wished you could be. Things seem so easy for her, like she’s ready to take on the whole world.

“I swear she’s been doing it a lot more to me than before, and if she pushes that fucking bear trap on my head one more time, I’ll-” She stops herself. “I’ll fucking rip her to pieces,” she finishes her sentence, and both of you know that there’s no way of any of you ever doing that. But it’s a nice image, you think. Also, kind of hot.

“That’s kinda hot,” you say, because you're stupid and you just want to hear her laugh. She does, and it’s nice and heart-breaking because you can’t help but think you have no right to hear it, that you should have shut your mouth instead of adding that thought.

“And you know,” Yui goes on, and you’re holding back a sigh. You’d been hoping that she’d stop with her interrogation now that you’ve tried to lighten up the mood, to change the topic. “I thought that if she’s being kinda hard on me, then– I mean she’s always been a bitch but she’s been– bitchier? And you mentioned how she’s been weird with you before so I just thought– I don’t really know, I thought maybe–”

You _know_ what she wants to say, you know that she's like this because she cares, she's stumbling over her words for crying out loud becaue she doesn't want to mess this up. IAnd you know what you should be saying. But you can’t get yourself to do it now. (And you know that’s a flimsy excuse. You know that Yui – or worse, someone else – will likely try again to have this conversation and you’re only prolonging the inevitable. Yet, at the same time you’re not sure that even if you came clean it would change jack shit.)

“She’s always been weird,” you offhandedly interrupt her with a shrug. You’re not lying per se, is what you tell yourself. “Don’t know about you, but I don’t really wanna spend what little free time we got with talking about her or any of the other fuckers.”

Yui looks at you like she knows exactly what you’re doing. But she’s letting it slide for now seeing that you’re on speaking terms again. It helps that you offhandedly smile at her and ask her something about the best way of ripping someone to pieces.

While you’re listening to her getting more and more animated, it’s leaving a bad taste in your mouth how badly you wish you could start on over with her, do it right this time.

  
  
***

The Pig _has_ always been weird.

Which is the understatement of the century, none of the killers facing you during a trial have been close to any kind of normality, they were all fucked up on their own ways. And yet, the Pig had always startled you just a bit more.

The first time you’ve faced off against the her, you had thought she was one of you. The others had laughed about it, until it happened to them as well.

It was an easy mistake to make. The Pig was pretty small, hunched over and just- so fucking human-shaped for once that you got closer to her without thinking twice about it. You had thought her to be a new survivor, thrown into this sick little game head first, without any warning like all of you were at one point.

You’d thought she was one of you.

Until she turned around right before your hovering hand reached her shoulder, and you were greeted by a mask. And a fucking knife to your chest.

You wish you’d been able to say that you didn’t fall for the same tactic more than once. But you’ve never been particularly clever…

Knowing what you know now, you were sure that she had noticed you approaching her, the first time you met. You've hardly ever been able to sneak past her, unless she was busy trailing someone else or handling her traps. She must have heard or seen you, that you were thinking she was one of you. Waiting for the right moment to strike and getting it right on the first try. Probably knowing that you felt like an idiot for falling for that more often than you felt comfortable admitting.

Things had changed at one point, but there was no way you could tell who or what triggered it. And you had spent a long time thinking about it. 

It had started with the Pig ambushing you in one of the rooms in the lower floor of the meat plant. You’ve just finished a generator together with Jake and David, all of you scattering into different directions for cover once you’ve finished up, everything had been going pretty smoothly, all things considered.

You hadn’t heard her creep closer to you, too distracted by your own heart beat and the hope that you’d make it out alive of this trial. The meat plant was one of the grossest places this shitty afterlife had to offer you, smelling like rotten meat and human remains all over.

Before you knew it, you were toppled over, with her straddling your back and you lying face down on the ground. How someone her size could be so heavy, you had no idea but your trashing came to a sudden halt as soon as her knife was pointed right under your chin. Not yet cutting into your skin but only barely.

You didn’t even get the chance to make a sound when her hand gripped your hair, pulling your head backwards. Her ugly mask pressed itself right at your neck and side of your face during your short struggle. You winced at the rough pig skin chafing your cheek but apart from that you were trying to stay as still as possible, waiting for her to slice you right open or to pull a trap over your head. Anything was better than to continue having her this close to you, with her harsh breathing echoing through the tiled room.

If it was up to you, you actually preferred being stabbed or hung up to having one of her bear traps on you. The hooks hurt like a motherfucker but at least it spared you some unnecessary stress of getting rid of some stupid trap. You've always been bad at riddles and couldn't be bothered to get into them now. Yui had nearly laughed herself off the log of wood when you had told your friends that. Didn’t make it any less true.

It was as if everything happened in slow motion to you, time ticking away unbearably slow and with you being more than aware of each millisecond, which just made all of this even more unreal. There was a knife at your throat, dirty and slightly fractured (thank god blood poisoning was off-limits here) and you’ve been here long enough to know what that means. At least, you thought you did.

When the knife under your chin slowly trailed deeper, as if the Pig had all the time in the world to decide what to do with you and wasn't on a time-limit, your head went blank. That had never happened before.

She didn’t press it down hard enough to actually cut your skin open, but enough to keep it a possibility. The motion made you shiver and since your elbows and her hand were the only thing that kept you upright at this point, you nearly got yourself cut by accident.

A snout, reeking and sticky and so fucking gross, pushed itself into your cheek, on purpose now, and you swore that you felt warm air against it, as if the Pig was breathing out through the layers, right at your skin. You stopped breathing when the knife finally reached the cleavage of your top. And pressed further.

With your heart beating rapidly, you tried to force yourself to move. To do literally anything but letting this, whatever this was, happen. But the only thing you could do was stare right ahead at the dirty tiles of the bathroom you had navigated yourself into, and hold your breath when the knife passed the fabric and reached the middle of your chest, nudging at your bra.

It was then that her movements stopped.

The feeling of time running by slower and slower stopped as well because suddenly the knife was gone, as was the grip on your hair. Your face bashed nose-first into the tiles beneath you, and you swore that you heard a fucking _chuckle_ behind you, before the weight on you disappeared. Then it was only you, trembling and clutching your bloody nose, in a dirty bathroom like a fucking idiot.

No other trace of the Pig left behind.

You stayed useless during this trial. Holding your smashed in face with your hands, making it out through the already opened gates while the Pig was off chasing David, asking yourself what the fuck just happened and why the hell it was happening to _you_.

You nearly pissed yourself the next time you came to yourself in the meat plant. Which turned out to be pretty fucking unnecessary, seeing that the Pig paid you hardly a second glance, at least not more than any other killer might.

The same happened in the other three trials that followed.

To say you were relieved didn’t even begin to describe it. Already having made up your mind that you must have imagined this incident with her or that you clearly misunderstood whatever had happened, maybe hit your head or something one too many times, you tried to behave as normally as you could in her trials. Go in, do your job or die trying, and hopefully make it out via a door and not via death. Rinse and repeat.

But- you’ve never been particularly clever.

You realised your mistake the next time you came face to face with her. It took you too long to realise that when she halted in her step, mask faced your way, she put her knife back into her sleeve. That there were no traps on her hip that she could put on you. That all of these were signs clearly pointing out that something was more than fucking wrong.

This time you at least were given the chance to try and stumble away. And you failed it spectacularly, just _always_ underestimating her fucking strength. She pulled you back on your hair and you let out an embarrassing yelp before you were pushed down and turned on your back. She put herself on your stomach and before you could open your mouth to scream for help, the sound of her unsheathing her knife once more and the cold touch of it on your neck, shut you right up. Not that you’ve had a scream in you, the air in your lungs had been forced out of you as soon as your back hit the tiles. Even your sharp intake of breath was stopped when she pulled on your hair once again, baring your throat.

Her knife was cutting you this time. Not deeply, but enough to make it sting. The blouse you were wearing was pretty useless at stopping her trailing the sharp side down and she ripped it open with the fingers not busy holding the knife, buttons popping left and right, their echo being louder in your ears than you thought was possible. The fabric was pushed it down your arms, effectively turning them immobile and your head hit the ground when she let go of it shortly to do so.

Arms that you hadn’t even tried using to fight back up to this point, you only then realised. Weakly you tried pushing back against her and her hold on you, more to tell yourself that you at least tried it but the reminder of her knife stopped that fruitless fight real quick. Embarrassingly quick. It’s not as if she was heavy but there was something to her weight that made it seem impossible to push her off you.

Suddenly the snout of the Pig’s mask was nearly touching your nose, and you couldn't for the life of you say when exactly she had inched closer to you. You certainly didn't see her move. Maybe it was your imagination or you losing your mind but you thought you could see the eyes hiding behind it, and you didn’t know what freaked you out more, this fact alone or that you were sure they were looking down at your chest. At the faint trail of blood that oozed into the dirty white of your top you were wearing beneath it.

The knife was rusty (and once more the stupid thought of infections went through your head), but it still sliced through your top without any problem, opening the skin beneath it just as easily.

Once more the knife stopped at your bra, right in the middle of your chest and in the small puddle of blood that had rushed down the same way.

At this point you were trembling, hard. You hardly felt the pain, really, because there was a crazy killer sitting on your stomach, head tilted as if in thought, staring at your fucking chest as if she had never seen one before.

Was this some new way for her to torment you? To embarrass you to death? To kill you _now_ so that you could put sexual assault into the list of things this place put you through? To get a good look at you now before sending you running with your bra for the other people in this trial to see?

Whatever she had planned for you, you wanted her to get over with it. There was nothing more than you wanted than to act like you still had your shit together, like this wasn’t fazing you, but you were well aware that even if you had managed to pull a poker face off, your uncontrollable shaking was giving you away.

When the Pig finally tore her gaze away from your half-naked upper body and her eyes found yours, you tried your best to stop yourself from hyperventilating. It felt like her gaze was burning right through you and you couldn't even tell if you weren't only imagining it through the layer of skin and hair hiding her face. But you wished that she’d stop. All of it, looking down at you this way, _behaving_ this fucking way, none of that just was supposed to happen.

Her head was still slightly tilted. The hair of her mask felt coarse and _wrong_ on your skin when she leaned in even closer, closer than she had to, as if wanting to let you in on a secret.

“Are you gonna behave?” a raspy voice whispered in your ear, and you didn’t care if it sounded like this because of the mask or because she hadn’t used it in a while, it made the blood in your veins freeze up.

She’s never spoken to you before. None of the killers ever had and the fact that one of them decided that this was the right moment, that you were the right person to hear it– 

For a horrible second you thought you’d really be sick, that you’d vomit right over yourself and her, and a distant part of your brain asked yourself if that would be enough to get rid of her– and then the hand in your hair tightened, ripping your head back and forth.

In a _nod_ , you realised. A fucked-up version of it, but when her fingers loosened the hold on your hair, you couldn’t stop nodding, going through the motions because your fucking life depended on it. You couldn’t stop shaking either and you couldn’t find it in you to look up at her anymore, at where she still forced you down, where you could feel her warm breath on your face.

There were tears in your eyes, and you didn’t want to cry, not in front of her, not here, you hadn’t done that in such a long time but no time like the present, right?

Trying to blink the tears away, you kept nodding like some fucking puppet until her hand stopped your movement once more. The snout, bloody and wet, pressed itself against your own nose and you barely stopped yourself to close your eyes. You had a feeling that this wouldn’t go over well for you if you did.

“Good girl,” the Pig said, in this cracked, mockingly soft voice, in a way that sounded borderline condescending to your ears. The back of her hand, the one holding the knife, trailed over your cheek. Naked skin on naked skin, and that thought made your skin crawl. “Knew you would.”

Another shiver went through you, was that supposed to be a good thing? Your mind went running, trying to make sense of her words, of her being this close to you, fuck, nobody was this close to you unless they wanted to kill you. Everything in you was trying to make sense of what was happening and coming up empty.

Had you hit your head? Was this really happening?

She had stayed on you for a moment longer, and it must have been a moment, but it still felt like an eternity. You felt her leave more than you actually saw her go, your eyes were open but unfocused, tears blocking your view and your brain was too busy not to lose what little bit was left of your mind.

This time your head was let down to the ground with more care instead of just letting it fall back against the stone. And somehow that made it worse, you decided, when you heard her move away from you. All of this was worse.

It was pure luck that none of the others passed you where you still lied motionless on the ground, with your blouse ripped open and a bloody trail of the Pig’s knife left on your skin. You weren’t sure what happened after, if you even made it out alive or you died right there because your time ran out, and maybe that was for the better.  
  


***  
  


It kept happening.

Not constantly. There were times where she acted around you as she did with any of the others. Sometimes she’d outright stab you. Put you on a hook like this was your everyday encounter with a killer. Put a bear trap on your head and leave you to struggle with it.

But you weren’t dumb enough to think you were off the hook, not anymore. Not with your shitty luck.

Other times, she cornered you, seemingly towering over you despite being physically smaller than you. Pushing you against grimy tiles that cracked under your combined weight, down against the floor or metal fences. Every time you entered the meat plant you had no fucking idea what expected you, just that it would probably either be deadly but familiar or less deadly but very much unpleasant.

The only thing you did know for a fact was that it got worse.

She didn’t stop at your bra anymore.

That had started by accident, at least you thought so. It was the only thing that explained the weird pause that followed after her knife cut through your bra for the first time. That explained the sudden intake of breath, muffled by the mask. A shudder ran through her body when she looked down at you, and you only noticed because she was settled on your hips. Tears were running over your face, all to one side where you had turned your head to face the brick wall when her knife trailed over the imprints of your bra, grazed over your nipple.

She held herself back the next time, and you didn’t want to think about if this was her way of making up for it. It didn’t feel that way when instead of letting her knife to the work for her she stroked the rough skin of her mask against your neck and cleavage and let her hand grope your chest through your clothes, leaving you dressed for once.

The only thing it did was reminding you of the fact that she had actual hands, that she was an actual human being or whatever was left of one under that awful fucking mask. That she had made the choice to do this to you, for whatever reason. And that she kept making it, again and again.

That she _had_ a choice and this was what she'd done with it.

You never mentioned any of this to your fellow survivors. Not knowing where to begin, how to put this into words or who to tell.

Instead, you tried to keep your eyes open when it came to your friends. Were any of them acting weird? Were you the only one she was doing this to or was that something that she did to others as well and all of you were just afraid of mentioning it? Something in your mind doubted that but you didn’t even know where that certainty came from.

Often you sat close to the camp fire, gazing out into the fog and asked yourself if other killers did the same and you’d just been lucky so far. You remembered Quentin sharing some information on the Krueger guy, only hinting at what he had done when he had been alive, what he had done to those trusted to his care.

Before now you had known what to expect of this place. There were _rules_. There were rules for you and your friends, there were rules for your killers as well, and the fact that the Pig was just doing her own thing, breaking the rules when you hadn’t even known that to be possible, was something you felt unable to cope with.

Yui tried bringing you out of your pointless brooding. The others had noticed you distancing yourself from them but you’ve always had a soft spot for her. It was kind of distressing that everyone seemed to know about it and that this is why she got chosen to pull you back into your group of friends. But it had been surprisingly easy to wave them and their concerns off with a weak smile.

You didn’t even know where to start so why bother at all? As if there was anything they could do to help you out, with the Pig being able to overpower all of you. Sure, they could try helping you out, try to keep an eye on you but even that wouldn’t work forever. It would probably only make her angrier and less predictable, if that was even possible.

Absentmindedly, you observed the others surrounding the bonfire. Dwight cracking a stupid joke, Nea rolling her eyes over it, Yui smiling at you encouragingly. These were your friends. That you’ve got to know in ways you’ve never known anyone before. That from the looks of it, you were going to spend an eternity together.

Just imagining them knowing what the Pig did to you, what you let her to do you without even trying to fight back, that maybe you did something to set her off like this, that you sometimes– 

Yui winked at you before decidedly looking somewhere else. There was a faint blush on her cheeks. You swallowed and took a deep breath when something cold settled around your insides.

This was something that you had wanted at one point. Having Yui close to you, having her pay attention to you, in this particular way. Up until now you had thought a part of you still wanted it, still wanted her.

But then why did all of this make you feel so hollow?

***

The Pig got bolder with time.

Gone was the version of her that hesitated over your bra, that was satisfied with mindless groping alone, though it still happened.

More often than not though, now she cut her way right to your pants, exposing as much of your body as she could, leaving either a slight sting or actual blood on your skin, depending on her mood. Her knife had favourite ways to trail over you, patterns that kept repeating itself. First it almost always went along your neck, then over the swell of your chest, past anything that you were still wearing. Grazing right over one nipple while she held your neck in a vice-like grip, breathing hard into your hair or your skin. Her fingers soon followed either the same way her knife had taken or choosing the unmarked side.

Other times she pushed her knife to the side after getting rid of your shirt, uncovering what she wanted to see of you, and touched you without any bloodshed.

For now, she seemed happy enough with keeping it over the waistline, but you were sure that this wouldn’t stick. You were more than aware of her grinding against you sometimes, of her groans in your ear. You might not be clever but you also weren’t born yesterday, and she wasn’t even trying to hide that she was getting off on this, either from your body or from having this much power over you. It wasn’t as if it made a difference to you.

But you knew that it was only a matter of time until that wasn’t going to be enough for her. What you didn’t know was what you’d do once it happened.

While you tried to play dead as soon as she was onto you, too afraid of the consequences if you behaved any differently, you put every bit of fight that you had left into your trials.

It was hard enough to escape her on a normal day but to escape her when she wanted to get up close and personal with you felt damn near impossible. You managed a handful of times, getting particularly lucky. Only to have Lady Luck punch you right in the face when the next time you faced off against her she was after you with twice the determination. Fear was a good motivator but sometimes it wasn’t enough.

It certainly wasn’t enough to explain the faint wetness that was gathering in your panties during the trials in which she decided to put her knife aside when forcing you down. Those were the worst times. The ones where you knew that if you closed your eyes, wishing yourself far away, it would be so easy to imagine someone else touching you this way. When it edged on feeling good. When pain wasn’t the first thing on your mind.

Contrary to what you often believed, you had a brain. You knew that this was just your body reacting to physical stimulation, that your body was probably more sensitive because you’ve been without touch for so long and that it didn’t matter who gave it to you as long as you got it at all. After all, wasn’t that how Stockholm Syndrome worked out? Having no other option but to turn to the one that you still had?

Knowing that didn’t help the first time you felt a spark of disappointment in your belly when the Pig hunted you like any other survivor and treated you like she had done before. When you hushed from generator to generator with an eye on your sorroundings and you spotted the Pig pressing Yui down to put a bear trap on her head, and caught yourself feeling envious. Wishing for only a second that it was you in her place, lying on the ground, feeling her, feeling _someone_ , this close to you.

You had stopped dead in your tracks when you realised that the fuck you were just thinking. Claudette pushing you along was what pulled you out of your own head.  
  
When afterwards Yui asked you to join her for a walk, you turned her down, claiming that you were feeling a bit under the weather. It sounded like a bad excuse in your own ears and you tried to ignore how her smile fell the slightest bit when she accepted it with a nod. But you were sure that you were going to vomit any second, still remembering that something was so very wrong with you, that you were messed up in the head and that you had no idea what to do.

You’ve never given Yui any more details except for “the Pig toying with you sometimes”, and even that had been forced out of you. Anytime you so much as thought of going deeper than that, your mind short-circuited.

It went back to the thoughts that ate up nearly every waking moment of your life here. That whenever Yui or one of your friends touched you, you felt as if they could see right through you. See that were nothing else but ruined goods. That if Yui or anyone else would get any whiff of what you had done, what you _hadn’t_ done, they’d be running. And that they’d be fucking right.

That they’d probably feel sick to the stomach by being with someone that couldn’t even close her eyes anymore without seeing the Pig, that was constantly making out a hint of blood and meat in the air. That started to feel uneasy whenever someone sat too close to her, when someone touched her skin. Someone that overheard Dwight making a comment on “taking some of the edge off in private” followed by a crude gesture when heading to the fog (earning pained groans and laughter of the others), and who intended to try out that method for herself because holy shit did you feel uneasy. If there was anything that could help you take some of the pressure that you constantly felt, you'd try it. Silently, and with a beet red head you took off one night, sneaking into the fog, to one of the places you've once explored with the others, where you knew the dangers were limited and there was at least some comfort to be found. Only to return with tears stinging in your eyes when the only image you came up with was that of a Pig's mask in between your legs, when the only thing your mind went back to were _her_ and the only touched you've felt in what felt a whole life time.

Not even in the moments you were without the Pig you were really without her.

And here Yui was, a frown on her forehead at you turning her down, with so much affection in her eyes, and you only wanted to cry because you felt so far away from deserving any of it.

***

It only happened once that the Pig killed you while making out with you, for a lack of better term. And in this moment, you had been almost glad that she did seeing she made a move to put her knife away to try and open your pants.

There was that saying about choosing your battles, and it wasn’t a conscious choice that you made but more your body moving on auto-pilot. Better late than never.

Maybe it was because she had gotten used to you lying nearly motionless under her, letting her have her way and push you around, but when you started trashing, she was pretty easily toppled off of you. It surprised the both of you.

She caught herself a millisecond quicker than you though, and while you were still shuffling back on the ground, not even bothering to reach for your shirt, she was already back on her feet, head tilted in a way that you knew by now meant trouble.

  
You both stopped in your movements when the sound of footsteps echoed through the tiled floor. Another survivor trying to make good use of the time where their soon-to-be killer was distracted by– well, you. (Thinking about it, you must have given them a pretty fucking good head-start at times.)  
It could have been comical if it weren’t so fucking serious, how you and the Pig both came to a halt, looked at your surroundings as if only now realising where you were and then looked back to one another. When it became clear that the footsteps were slowly inching closer to and not further away from you – and how the fuck was this the first time that had ever happened, you asked yourself – you hesitatingly tried to cover yourself, simply because you didn’t know what else to do.

A knife to your chest solved that problem.

You hadn’t really heard her move, too distracted by a million thoughts running through your head, but the pain brought you back to reality. And to the realisation that she was holding you while you died. Not in a sexual way, thank god, you wouldn’t have known what to do with that, but in a way that felt too fucking intimate anyway.

You were dying and you were hurting and she was holding you, as if she hadn’t just done this to you, as if there wasn’t something just around the corner that could walk in on her any moment.

And your last thought was that this was the first time you didn’t die alone.

***

Maybe it was your fault after all. All of this. Maybe there's simply something wrong with you, that you've been fucked up in the head before all of this and it just got worse with you reaching this purgatory. Maybe you deserve this.

Thoughts like these were always in the back of your head, have been since your first trial, but sometimes they crash down on you full force.

Like right now, when the Pig’s mask scratches at your shoulder and you hear her breath ringing in your ear. Or maybe your ears are still ringing because of the way you stumbled over a palette, falling onto the ground head first.

Not for the first time you found yourself asking if it was a real or a fake mask but what did it matter when the Pig had pushed it up so that she was free to bite into your neck, to lick her way up into your mouth. She tastes stale and like blood and death but that isn’t anything new to you. Everything here tastes like that.

A part of you realises that this is the first time she's done this. Push her mask up like this, high enough that you can see her face, that you can feel her real hair on your skin right now, slightly softer than the fake hair attached to her mask. You realise that she's talking to you, in between biting your lips and your tongue, in between putting her teeth in you. It might be an apology, it might be praise or it might be her talking you down, but you think that it doesn't matter with the way her thigh is pressed up in between your legs, pushing against you repeatedly. With the hand in your pants, roughly grabbing your ass as if to pull you even tighter against her.

She's grinding herself down on your leg as well. You distantly feel the warmth against your pants.

But everything seems so distant to you right now. The Pig, the trial, your friends, _Yui_ – None of that matters right now.

No, what really matters is that someone is touching you, despite you being a fuck-up, despite you being unable to do anything right. Why did you waste your time fighting against her, against this? If it's possible you deserve the pain she gives you, maybe you deserve what she's giving you right now.

Maybe you should have let this happen a lot sooner. Maybe it's okay for you to cling to her back like there's no tomorrow because who says there's going to be one? And does that really matter?

What does it matter that you're kissing her back, that you're mindlessly pressing yourself against her or that you don't even think of struggling when she pulls your head back to look at your face when you come. That you see her naked face clear as day, that you're looking right into these big dark eyes staring back at you, as if she can keep both of you right in this moment if she just tries it hard enough. She looks so _normal_ , so painfully human that you know you’d lose your mind over it if you still had it together.

It's such a human action to take your hand in hers and to put it right against her cheek, almost tenderly, as if afraid one of you’d vanish into thin air if she grips it any tighter. Which is laughable because she had personally done so much more to you. Because she holds your hand in hers while biting down where your neck meets your shoulder when she comes, with a groan low in her throat.

You have no idea how much time has passed, how long you've been lying here or what would happen next. What you do know is that it's a lot less likely that someone will stumble over you, seeing that the– seeing that she had pulled you down into the basement with her.

Her weight on you feels good, in a way that you don’t want to think about. Now that you think about it, you don’t want to think about _anything_ , so you just don’t. Instead, you keep lying here, boneless and dazed, with a warm body on top of you and cold tiles beneath you, staring at the ceiling where you can make out shapes and forms if you concentrate hard enough.

It doesn’t matter what she'll do to you. Doesn’t matter if she lets you go or lets you escape or if she’ll kill you, right here and now or if she'll kill you later. It doesn't matter when she puts herself on her elbows above you, with wild hair and mascara smeared around her eyes, her mask and knife lying next to her, and when she tilts her head, looking so fucking human that it hurts. When she considers you for a moment and murmurs “Game over” with an unreadable smile as if these words hold much more of a meaning for her than for you.

What really matters is that for the first time in a very long time you’re feeling as if you can breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my mind for like a couple of months and I've tried to get it out. I hope it still makes sense to people... :')
> 
> As always, if you enjoyed it, please feel free to let me know! The same goes for you spotting any mistakes or if you need me to tag something. I tried to catch everything but you never know, there is a lot going on here.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


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